Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
