My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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