Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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