What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
