Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
