apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
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Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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