I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
