Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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