but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize