I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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