I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize