I faked an abortion last night.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
