i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
