In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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