it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
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drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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