you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
