Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
