Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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