Quick, to the slutcave!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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