Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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