I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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