Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
