Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
