why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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