Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
