she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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