Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
A bitchslap is in order.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
