You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
