I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
