before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
