Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
