you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
