even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
