new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
