Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
