so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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