Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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