I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
