Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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