I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
