why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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