Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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