I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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