I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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