I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
