I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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