remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
