found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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