Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
