2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
