My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
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He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
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It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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