No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
