i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Hippo gnu deer
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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