i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We don't watch enough power rangers
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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