I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Randomize
