i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize