New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
