is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
